Pilgrimstuck!
by Dancing Mask
Summary: John Egbert has a pretty sweet life. His gay roommate Dave pays for practically everything, and he spends all his time goofing off with Karkat and the others in their band. But if he wants to date Vriska Serket he's going to have to shape up and defeat all 7 of her evil exes. Humanstuck AU a la Scott Pilgrim, T for some language and sexy times.
1. Meet the Band

Chapter 1- Meet the Band

* * *

"John Egbert is dating a high schooler," John proudly announced, flopping on the couch and grabbing a slice of pizza.

"Fuck me sideways, everyone stop what you're doing," Karkat exclaimed, holding his hands up dramatically. "John's super interesting love life with his totally-real girlfriend is now the topic on the table."

"What table," dead-panned Rose, grabbing a slice of pizza herself. Their dinner- the barbecue chicken pizza- was currently balancing, the box on a beanbag that had been squished down and thrown in the middle of the room, as Gamzee didn't own a table, coffee or otherwise.

"She is real!" John insisted. "I met her on the bus last week." He grinned good-naturedly as he thought about it, his buck teeth showing.

"I always want to punch you when you make that goofy expression, " muttered Karkat, grabbing his own slice before their meal was gone. "Anyway, I was in the middle of talking about something slightly more important. The battle of the bands? Next week? Ring any bells, or do I need to write it down on my cock and slam my crotch into your face until you get the message?" John continued to space out, having missed all of that delightful exchange.

"I think you're coming on too strong, personally," quipped Rose with a snide look through her dark eyelashes. "But don't worry, we'll play." The grouchy teen looked around, giving up. Sometimes there was no getting through that thick numbskull of Johns.

"Gamzee, get your stoned ass out here, before the pizzas all gone!" A honking noise answered him from down the hall, but no one came out to eat. God damn juggalo.

"So John," Rose turned to the dark-haired boy, "How old are you now? Twenty-seven? Does it violate your code of ethics in any way to be dating someone 13 years younger than yourself?"

"Huh? Rose, cut that out, you know I'm twenty-three. Besides, she's seventeen."

"Is that so?" The blonde said nothing more on the subject, but John could feel her eyes judging him silently. Karkat stomped back into the room, having delivered his friends meal to his room for him.

"Why do you have to do that, anyway? Can't Gamzee just eat out here with us?"

"Not when he's in one of his moods." Karkat rolled his eyes. "The fuckass'll starve if someone doesn't hand it to him."

"I think it's sweet, the care you show for him." Rose smiled that little smile of hers as she drank her tea.

"Fuck you, fuck that sentiment, and fuck your tea," replied the short boy. "Anyway, I could use a laugh. John when do we get to meet this mystery jailbait you've been defiling?"

"I haven't defiled anything! We hugged once though. And soon! I invited her to come watch us practice tomorrow night."

"Good, we'll actually play something tomorrow then." Karkat nodded approvingly. "Stop me if we make any real progress or improve as a band, okay, I think the shock would blow our brains all over the wall."

"You didn't argue the 'jailbait' part," Rose pointed out, a smirk beginning to show on the edges of her lips. John slumped back on the couch. His friends really were the worst, they were having way too much fun with this. Not that he hadn't expected that.

"Her name is Kanaya and she is _not_ jailbait, okay? Please be cool when she comes over, I don't want you guys scaring her with your fake meanness and jokey-jokerson ways."

"Did some motherfucker say _jail_?" a panicked voice cried out from the hallway, followed quickly by the shattering of glass and running footsteps.

"Did he just jump through his own window and escape the house?"

"... it would seem so." Karkat smacked his face into the palms of his hands, muttering obscenities under his breath. He knew who'd have to clean that up later. Well, as long as they were stuck watching Gamzee's home while he was out, they might as well try and get some practice in, right? Karkat turned to face his band members, one with a blank expression, reading some kind of shitty wizard fanfiction on her phone, the other gazing off into the distance like an airhead. Yeah, good luck with that. Something big needed to happen to get them serious about playing, he thought.

Little did he know, that something serious was headed their way all too soon.

* * *

Massive thanks to my friend Capo for the awesome cover art! This site is a butt to pictures but the original art is fantastic, trust me there.

Disclaimer: Homestuck and all of its characters belongs to Andrew Hussie, and for good measure Scott Pilgrim and that whole concept belongs to Bryan Lee O'Malley. This isn't strictly a cross over though, I'll be deviating from SP's plot occasionally to do things more in character for John and Karkat and the others. I will make a boat load of references though. Hope you guys like it, please let me know what you think, or if you have any requests/constructive criticisms!


	2. Totally my Bitch Forever

Chapter 2- Totally my Bitch Forever

* * *

"I'm hoooome!" John practically skipped through the doorway, dropping his bag and coat on the floor as he walked in.

"Cool." A distracted monotone reply greeted him whilst simultaneously describing its owner. Because if there was anything Dave Strider was, it was cool. Large aviator shades hid his expression below a shock of blonde hair, the kind that looked like he'd just gotten out of bed; in reality Dave had probably spent an hour in front of the mirror that morning, even though he hadn't left the house today. Being an online artist had that kind of perk- he worked from home as much as he liked. He was currently on his laptop, the reflections of his latest ironic masterpiece reflected on those massive shades.

"Did you keep any dinner for me? I'm starving," asked John as he crossed their single room apartment to check the fridge. He didn't mention he'd had pizza with the band an hour ago. Hey, a growing boy needed his food, and it wasn't like he could afford food everyday.

"Nope- Rose texted me to make sure I didn't." That traitor!

"Sometimes your sister's a jerk." John flopped on the bed in the corner, since Dave currently had the only armchair in the place.

"Nah man, she's trying to help you. If you rely on everyone for stuff all the time you'll never get a job, grow into an adult, all that jazz."

"Really?"

"Sure, why not." John had no idea if Dave was messing with him or actually saying something sincere behind a veil of sarcasm and his cool-guy facade. The Strider siblings were tough nuts to crack. But considering Dave let him slide on the rent sometimes, and shared his stuff so freely- basically everything in their apartment including the TV, computer, and the mattress on the floor they shared was all his- he knew he was one of his best friends.

"So, what kind of name is Kanaya, anyway? I'm assuming she's Indian or from Europe or some shit. That or an alien." Okay, not _best_ friend.

"She's Chinese, her parents just like funny names," he answered, turning on the TV. "You haven't told anyone have you?"

"I made a joke just before you got here, it has about 30 likes on Facebook all at your expense. That count?" John cursed the Strider-Lalonde family name. Names. Ooh, Ghostbusters two was on. He turned up the TV, hoping to drown out the blond. "Oh, and your sis wants to talk to you about this new girlfriend the moment you get home, so get on that."

"That's not fair!" John cried accusingly. Dave merely shrugged.

"But bro," Dave looked up for the first time since he'd walked in, staring him in the eyes. Or so he assumed he was, behind those glasses, anyway. "Is this just you being a goof and dating a high schooler because she's chill, or are you going crazy on me. I need to know if I'm sleeping with a crazy person. Like, for my own safety here. Are you gonna stab a dude next time someone cool finishes the milk and you have no cereal to eat with your Saturday morning cartoons? What I'm asking is is this Kanaya chick cool or are you slowly turning into a serial killer on me here."

"Can I get back to you on that?" John fell back on the bed heavily. Kanaya was nice. Was it so wrong to date someone nice? Especially after how his last relationship ended. "I think you're safe from me though. For one thing, even as a crazy John I still need somewhere to live." Dave smirked at that.

"True, you'd be out in the snow, all alone. I can see it now, a bunch of rolled up Z-list movie posters under one arm, your bass under the other, one of your dad's suitcases full of clothes at your feet. 'Will perform shitty magic tricks for food and shelter.' Eventually you have to make a house in an alley out of movie posters, you wake up every morning staring at Nic Cage's face. He's probably what made you crazy in the first place, too much Cage isn't good for the soul."

"You take that back! He is one of the best actors in our generation!" insisted John hotly. "You could even say Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. Get it? National treasure?" Dave groaned with pain at his clever wordplay, and for that moment everything was like normal.

Then John had the dream.

The desert sun beat down on him, fierce and unyielding like the boss at the end of a particularly annoying RPG. Nothing grew out here, not even cacti. John had been walking out in the desert for what felt like several lifetimes. For some reason, he could hear creepy horses whinnying in the distance. He took off his glasses and rubbed them against his shirt, before throwing them back on and looking every which way. Try as he might, he couldn't find the source of the eerie noises.

"Why horses?" he wondered aloud.

"Beats me; it's _your_ boring dream," came the reply. John spun to see the back of a girl whirl past, skating by on red roller blades. A dark jacket flapped behind her like a cape, followed by the smaller stream of her hair.

"How are you rollerblading on sand?" he called out after her.

"I just told you!" she yelled, not looking back. "You're in a dream you dork!"

"Does this mean we can go on an adventure together?" She faded from view without another word, though John knew with the certainty of a dream she was smiling to herself about something. He woke up with a start, heart pounding.

"Hey Dave, Dave, wake up. I just had the most intense dream." His roommate didn't open his eyes, but made a sound halfway between 'what?' and grunting. Good enough. "There was this really strange girl that reminded me of spiders and pirates and mint ice cream, all at once!" The blond checked his phone sleepily without answering him, then glared at John through one bleary eye. John rambled on, too caught up to notice: "Well okay I didn't actually talk to her really, or see what she looked like, or catch her name. But wow! It was so vivid, she seemed so alive and different from anyone I've ever met, like she wasn't even human or something."

"Christ Egbert. You did not just wake me up at five in the morning to tell me you had a wet dream about an alien chick. These sheets better be dry or I'm gonna handcuff you to lil Cal for a week." The threat of terrifying puppets was enough to calm John's excitement, and soon Dave fell to sleep again, dead to the world. But John lay on the bed silently staring at the ceiling, way too amped to sleep. Whatever that had been, it really hadn't felt like a dream at all.

He hoped it meant something.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for every review and fav so far guys, it means a lot! I have been awake for about 24 hours straight now and am making smart decisions with my time, so here have an update.


	3. Not the 8est First Impression

Chapter 3- Not the 8est First Impression

* * *

The air was cold and crisp, the sky a blue so pale it could be mistaken for grey. In comparison, their eyes were like flaming jewels through the morning mist- his sapphires, hers emeralds. The snow had stopped falling for now, the remainders of last nights flurries piled along the side of the roads and along rooftops. However here indoors, secure behind frosted windows, the weather could be forgotten for a moment as they curled up on the plush couches of the city library, its vaulted roofs stretching away high above them like-

John giggled, unable to keep a straight face.

"You make it sound like we live somewhere magical, or super important." Kanaya frowned at his words.

"You think it is too much?"

"Well it's only a penpal letter to someone in Australia, right? You can write it like that if you want, but I think that'll make the assignment take a lot longer for you," he answered honestly. He would have just said the weather was chilly and left it at that.

"Anyone can write things simply," she insisted, highlighting all of her text with the mouse. Her index finger hovered over the backspace button, hesitant.

"Well you can send them your fancy-poetry-version of Toronto, if that's what you want to do." John shrugged, but the dark-haired girl smiled a secret grin at his words and continued writing her English assignment, fingers dancing across the keyboard with speed. John studied her for a moment, leaning back in his seat. Kanaya Maryam was a head shorter than him, with dark hair and pale skin. Her eyes weren't really emeralds, though he guessed that was what they called poetic licence.

He hadn't been to a library since high school, and even then it was always under duress. It brought back memories being back. Rose had always insisted he had to study more for his exams, or Karkat had dragged him here whenever they had science projects to work on. He could remember it perfectly.

"The only thing worse than being stuck with a buck-toothed ignorance-laden asswipe like you as a biology partner," he would complain, "would be failing the class. So you better take this shit seriously Egbert, even if it's the only class you pass this year!" And so John had dutifully come here after school every day they didn't have school band practice to study his brains out (as it turned out, Karkat's prediction was eerily close to how many subjects he did pass that year, but him and Vantas did manage to score solid B's in biology.) It had actually been a lot of fun; he couldn't remember two days in a row he didn't hang out with his friends that entire year. School was so long ago for him, yet when Kanaya thought back on her own school memories, he'd be a part of them, wouldn't he? John sighed, suddenly feeling strange.

"I'm gonna go get some air, walk around. I'll be back in a bit okay?" He squeeze her hand and left her to it.

"Watch yourself on the stairs," called out Kanaya as he headed for the ground level staircase. "They're quite deadly."

"You remembered it wrong!" yelled back John, earning him an evil glare from the librarian. He took a bro's in-jokes very seriously. When the dark-haired boy turned forward again he was already halfway down the stairs, and so startled by what he saw he nearly did trip down them. Oh how Dave would have loved that.

The reason for his sudden shock was silhouetted against the pale glass of the windows. It was _her_. She was facing the counter, making some kind of delivery or borrowing a book, so John managed to stare at the woman for some time without either of them realising he was.

She had bright blue lips and eyeliner, and dark hair that flowed across her back like a starless cascade of midnight. Her glasses were thin, and one of them tinted. Her roller blades were a bright red, one of the knees of her jeans torn. It was the girl of his dreams! Er, the girl from his dream! She was... real.

"What are you starin' at?" She turned to him, a disinterested gaze sweeping over John and not even seeing him. "Never seen someone with a prosthetic hand before?" Her hand? And sure enough, John realized, her left arm was all shiny and metal. Cooooooool.

"No, I didn't even notice! I wasn't staring at your _hand_-"

_Slap!_ John whirled around, the side of his face suddenly in blinding pain.

"That's even worse! Creep." She turned to leave.

"No wait, I-" but she was gone. John rubbed his cheek tenderly, wincing as he felt his jaw click. The librarian at the counter was giving him a funny look.

"Oh, uh, I thought I knew her from somewhere... I must be wrong though!" John laughed, trying his best to put the incident out of mind. Surely only an idiot would think the lady from his dreams was a real person. Even if she did look identical to his dream lady from last night. And she felt so damned familiar... hmm.

He took the steps back up two at a time, breathing heavily when he found his girlfriend.

"Hey, did you want to get out of here early? Maybe hit the arcade or something before you meet my band?" Kanaya looked surprised to see him.

"But what about my assignment?"

"Is it due tomorrow?"

"Well, not until next week-"

"That'll be fine then!"

"Umm," her mouth made a little 'o' shape as she considered. Kanaya was the kind of person to do all of her homework as soon as possible- the thought of doing something fun before it was finished must have been a daring new lifestyle for her. "Okay, just this once."

"Great!" John pulled her up from her chair with a hug, laughing at her sudden panic and blush combo. He led her out by the hand, to the shops and the arcade for the rest of the afternoon.

But try as he might, every time his jaw ached he would remember that girl from the library, and he couldn't get her out of his head all day.

* * *

A/N: And here's another update, yo. I meant to upload this earlier but I was pretty hungover (wow, these author's notes are really encouraging so far huh).

Also, I hope this chapter makes it more clear: while I'm using the plot of Scott Pilgrim as the basic premise here, I'll be deviating and changing things as I go, like Vriska slapping John. For one thing, if I mirrored the plot of SP word-for-word that'd be boring as hell, and also pretty out of character for some of them. So look forward to seeing how the characters of Homestuck change the plot! Will John fight the evil exes with windy powers? Will Vriska be an even bigger bitch than Ramona? Will Gamzee murder the band? (One of these is a joke)


	4. Synchronous is so a word

Chapter 4- Synchronous is so a word

* * *

"So this is her?" The shorter boy with the messy hair raised one eyebrow skeptically as he looked Kanaya over. She felt herself blush as he continued to inspect her, an appraising look in his eyes. Finally he moved from the doorway, letting them in, only saying "You normally go for taller girls." She felt like she had failed an important test somehow.

"Just throw your coat wherever Kanaya," John mentioned, stepping in before her. She followed him to see the coolest room she'd ever been in. The TV was huge but switched off, a drum kit set up right in front of it. A guitar and a bass rested against the far wall, and a mike stand was currently balanced between the back of the couch and the armchair. The whole place was kind of shabby, missing things like a coffee table or matching paint on every wall, but it was a million times more inviting than her own living room. But as much as she wanted to enjoy it, these boys really knew nothing about aesthetics or decorating, Kanaya decided.

"Why are there streamers hanging from the end of the ceiling fan?" She covered her mouth instantly after, not realizing she'd wondered aloud. They must think she was so rude! But John and the girl curled up on the armchair only laughed.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," the girl with the short hair answered her, "But I might not have been in full control of my mental faculties." Oh, off course, they were all old enough to drink.

"That's nothing, you should see this." John hit the lights switch, plunging them into darkness.

"What exactly am I looking at?"

"Look up!" And sure enough- oh my. Part of the ceiling was glowing green. _Why_ was part of the ceiling growing green? John turned the lights back on, laughing when he saw her expression. "You look like you've seen a dead body, relax!" He nudged her towards the couch.

"I- I don't understand. How could your roof glow? Why haven't you cleaned it up yet? Is it dangerous?" Her mother would blow this place up if she ever knew Kanaya had come here, of that she had no doubts.

"Pfft, it's just glow stick slime." John waved her concerns aside casually. "One of our friends bit into a glow stick to see what the goop inside tastes like, and then threw it away when it tasted awful, and uh, some of it hit the roof I guess. It's been like that for almost a week now." That was simultaneously the stupidest and greatest thing Kanaya had ever heard.

"Excuse me," the scary, shorter boy spoke up. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't lump us as 'friends' with a guy like that. Zahhak is a clusterfuck of muscle and brawn that can somehow imitate sentient life; you can no more 'be friends' with him than you can befriend a plant. A creepy, sweaty plant, one whose sick obsession with children's cartoons is only rivalled by his unhealthy over-protectiveness and constant life-long surveillance of Leijon." It was kind of impressive he managed to say all that without pausing for breath, but Kanaya had no idea what any of it meant.

"Um..." she looked to John, next to her on the couch, for help.

"Equius is a friend of ours! That was Karkat's way of saying he's strong, and uh, likes anime almost as much as he loves his sister Nepeta."

"They're not actually related though," muttered the girl from the armchair. The way she said it made Kanaya think she'd said it millions of times before.

"'Friend of ours?' What did I just finish saying? Egbert have you ever paid attention to a single thing I've said that doesn't relate in some way to-" John laughed good-naturedly as his shouty friend continued to tell him exactly what kind of person he was, and what he must have done wrong in a former life to be stuck with a friend like him.

"My name is Rose Lalonde, by the way," the blonde on the couch leaned over. "I like your hair." Kanaya felt her cheeks glow red again. She was in her dorky school uniform; she felt like she should have been the one giving compliments, not the other way around. Especially with Rose's sense of style- she had an orange hoodie and a long skirt, but with army boots underneath. It shouldn't have worked, but it did- somehow she looked cute yet tough.

"Um, Kanaya Maryam. Do you play in the band as well?"

"I play drums. The one about to burst an aneurysm is Karkat, he's our main singer and guitarist. Despite his obvious psychosis and personality flaws, he's probably the best player of all of us"

"I see." Kanaya fiddled with her hair awkwardly, not sure what else to say. Fortunately, she was saved from the social pressures of saying anything when a glass was thrust into her hands.

"Here. Drink it." Karkat looked away as he said it, uncaring. It was apple juice, and had little penguin-shaped ice cubes dancing in it.

"Um, thank you," she managed, but he was already walking to his guitar. Maybe he wasn't so mean and scary after all?

"Alright, let's play something already!" Karkat yelled, brandishing his cherry-red guitar around like a weapon. "Get in here Egbert, we've wasted enough time with your latest pulchritudinous anklebiter of a copulating partner."

"My... what? Karkat, are all of those real words?"

Rose smirked. "I think he just paid your young miss Maryam a compliment."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck," the dark-haired boy slammed his face into the palms of his hands. "Can we stop with all the talking and jibes and witty banter just this once and play something already?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" John replied brightly as he picked up his bass, all innocent smiles. Karkat made a noise similar to a cat being strangled to death in a vacuum cleaner, but didn't take the bait. Rose settled behind her drums, wielding what looked suspiciously like large knitting needles instead of actual drum sticks, and counted them in.

"Live from Karkat and Gamzee's shitty living room, we are The Fuckasses!"

"That's not what we're called!" yelled both of the boys, with a glare and righteous indignation respectively.

"We never decided on a name, what do you expect me to call us?" replied the blonde with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh yeah," John grinned sheepishly as he remembered. "We started arguing over the band name and then Karkat's girlfriend thought we were lame and he left after her, that's right."

"Hey! Hey hey hey!" Karkat spun back and forth like he watching a tennis game, so he could glare at both of his bandmates on either side of him equally. "Let me say it in terms you might understand. We are a band. We play things now. Right fucking now. No talking. No bullshit tangents and constant fun story times for Maryam's sake. _Especially _no mentioning that she-devil around me_. _Egbert if the next thing to come out of your puckered lips aren't the chorus I swear I'm replacing you with a wind-up toy in a silly hat."

Rose continued like nothing had happened. "We're playing Synchronous gentlemen." Judging by the looks she got, Kanaya had a feeling Rose had named the song on her own as well. "Let's go, in 3, 2, 1-"

And then, they finally played.

Her eyes went wide as the dark-haired schoolgirl took it all in. They were rough and sloppy, sure, the sound completely unpolished and raw compared to what she was used to hearing on the radio. But underneath that they were undeniably... good. John was mellow and subtle on his bass, a perfect background in contrast with the fast and furious fretwork Karkat was attacking his guitar to produce. Rose was pounding the drums at an almost equally crazy pace, yet was an ocean of tranquility perfectly calm, her eyes closed for half of their song. Even Karkat's hoarse voice was better than she had expected- it made his singing more emotional if anything. They were definitely a hard rock band, but when she listened the lyrics were surprisingly deep.

_"Things fall apart so easily;  
they break away at the seams  
and it seems  
this is the life I was fated to lead  
dreams dead in the water  
and you ought to let them pass._

_I wanted something better than this;_  
_than a postmortem kiss_  
_and three years to miss you_  
_but it seems that's all I'm gonna get;_  
_it's best to forget._

_Last night I dreamt of you-_  
_you were beautiful; amidst a sky of blue._

_It was only the two of us,_  
_hearts beating synchronously._

_Do you feel for me?_

_I heard a song the other day;_  
_it reminded me of the way_  
_I love you_  
_and how I never got to say that to you."_

Karkat was starting to sweat now as he put his all into the song. John leaned over, joining him at the mic as the belted out the finale.

_"So many things I wanted to do;_  
_so many dreams_  
_left for dead in the water_  
_drowned and gone; just smile and let them go._

_I wanted so much more_  
_than a game we were born to lose_  
_I wanted so much more_  
_so much more for you."_

John fell back as they finished, holding the strings for one long last note. "So Kanaya, what'd you think?"

"You guys... wow." She wasn't sure what she could say. "You've left me inarticulate. You're all so commendable! That was astounding! "

Karkat narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Is she making fun of Lalonde or somethin'?"

"Nope," John answered. "She just does that sometimes when she's all flustered, hehe. You're such a dork sometimes Kanaya."

"I'm sorry." She rested her head on her knees, grinning despite herself. She was dating a future rock star! "You're all just so _cool_." Even the word felt alien to her- tonight was as far removed from her prim and proper life as she'd ever been.

"I knew two of us here were cool, but I never suspected we were cool as a band unit as well," Rose thanked her. Karkat snorted.

"When we actually play anything, maybe. If you two were any less motivated you'd magically turn into sloths."

"Hey, we play all the time! Kanaya, ignore him, we so play every night. We even have a gig on next week."

"I was the one who organised that," Karkat grumbled.

"Shall we play something else, or was a single song sufficient for both of you?" Rose pointed out dryly.

Kanaya felt like she was floating as she watched them play for the next sixty minutes. Their songs were even better the second time round (they didn't have enough songs for a whole hour yet). She may have only met John weeks ago, but she felt insanely lucky to be with someone as amazingly talented as him. She just knew in her heart nothing could change how she felt about him then and there that night.

That might have the been the first day she fell truly head over heels for the man John Egbert.

* * *

A/N: The glow-stick bit is stolen from a Halloween party I had in real life, though I think my own room's ceiling only glowed for 3 days, so I exaggerated there. Call it artistic licence. The lyrics Karkat sings are shamelessly taken from Flare by Ashley Lyons on youtube, go check out her stuff.


	5. You Kids and Your Chinese Cartoons

_D: isnt that a lil weird_

_R: Not really, people can have a type. Some would even say it's flattering._

_D: if you and sailormoon are his type what does that make she who must not be named_

_R: You mean She Who Must Not Be Named?_

_D: im not breakin out the caps for the likes of her_

_D: she doesnt deserve that level of attention or effort_

_R: I'm not sure what to make of Ms SWMNBN honestly. She doesn't fit John's psyche profile at all, on the surface. Perhaps he has self-destructive impulses stemming from some past trauma in his romantic life, and seeks to prevent his own happiness rather than let it be denied to him as a form of defence. That could explain why he ever dated someone of her ilk. _

_D: 'swmnbn'_

_D: are we seriously abbreviating her nickname now_

_D: thats even dumber than treating her like a lady voldemort, all tip-toeing around saying her name and shit_

_D: oh god now I pictured ralph fiennes with boobs thanks a lot lalonde_

_R: You're right, my abbreviation was ill-considered. The last thing we'd ever want would be for one of our conversations to become silly. At the risk of further derailing our conversation I think we should revert back to just saying 'She Who Must Not Be Named' in the future._

_D: dude_

_D: our convo is so far derailed its off the tracks_

_D: the wreckage is smoking_

_D: bodies piled ten feet high_

_D: gawkers standing on the side of the road snapping shitty pictures on their phones_

_D: what were we even talking about_

_R: John and his taste in the fairer sex, as well as his possible subconscious romantic sabotage and wilder impulses when it comes to dating._

_D: oh yeah_

_D: speaking of that hes here now brb_

* * *

Chapter 5- You Kids and Your Chinese Cartoons

* * *

John Egbert arrived at the corner of the road to see his roommate- one skinny blond Mr Dave Strider- leaning casually against the wall. A text conversation with his sister was briefly reflected on his shades, before he looked up from his iPhone at John's arrival.

"Sup."

"Not much! Did you feel like sushi, or should we grab lunch somewhere else?" Dave paused for a moment, clearly rolling his eyes behind his shades. Not that the darker-haired boy could see that, of course, but he'd known his friend for years and was finely attuned to his mannerisms and feelings. That and he could see Dave's eyebrows move above the glasses, which helped a little admittedly.

"Don't tell me you slept in 'til the afternoon again." It wasn't a question.

"What would make you suggest such a thing?" John cried out in mock outrage as they started walking past the shops.

"You just suggested we grab lunch at three in the afternoon," he said pointedly. John laughed, busted.

"What can I say, video games are more interesting than sleep."

"I know," Dave began, a smirk on his lips, "how about you go introduce me to your lil Haruhi Suzumiya? Schools still get out at three right. Remind me, it's been so long since we've been to one."

"What, you mean Kanaya? Shut up man," John punched him in the shoulder. "Anyway she's Chinese, not Japanese, so there!" He decided not to address any of the other things Dave had said.

"Isn't that your thing though, every time you get a new gf you show her off and introduce her to everyone."

"There's nothing wrong with that if they're worth showing off," countered John as they passed a bunch of cafes. The smell of freshly baked pie assaulted his nostrils, warm against the chill in the air and berry-laden, distracting him for a moment. By the gods was he hungry. "Unlike you, all secretive. I never know who or how many guys you're currently with."

Dave shrugged. "I didn't write the gay rule book man, take it up with Neil Patrick Harris's ghost."

"Wait, is he actually dead?" Dave didn't reply. "Anyway, why do you keep bringing up Kanaya? Are you curious to meet her?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I be? She's the girl to break your two year dry streak! Cardcaptor Sakura's the first girl you've dated since-"

"Yeah yeah, right of course," John quickly spoke over his friend. "Hey look, is that a McDonalds? Wow, how crazy is that, to see one out here in the city. Let's go eat, your treat!"

Dave sighed, rolling his eyes once more. "Just snack at the party tonight dude, there'll be plenty of free food to bum off. I swear if you were capable of gaining any kind of weight or growing facial hair, you'd be Zach Galifianakis' twin. Just that weird hobo friend who bums around for food off everyone. Lucky for me you're cuter, at least." He ruffled John's untidy hair to punctuate his sentence, much to the bespectacled boys annoyance.

"I am not cute! Wait, party?"

"Dude, didn't anyone mention it last night? My sis and your shouty BFF will be there."

"Oh yeah!" John clapped his hands together as recollection hit him like a Faygo bottle to the back of the head, which is to say hard and suddenly, out of the blue. "Terezi's throwing a big party for a friend of hers, from the states, right?"

"He remembers! Hey look, you can teach an old dog new tricks," Strider said approvingly.

"Are you going?"

"Of course, I've gotta back up mah girl," Dave said as if it were obvious. He pronounced 'girl' with a u and far too many r's. "I'm ninety percent sure this is the kind of party thrown to be a bitch, or show off or prove something to someone. Should be awesome."

John felt the back of his head as he walked, fingering the lump he'd gotten from Karkat's anger last night. Those Faygo bottles were heavy. "What makes you say that?"

"Man, it's Terezi." John didn't really get it- how could a party have an ulterior motive? Chances are they were just being silly and wrapping things in layers of irony again, they liked to do that. He looked back longingly as they reached the bus stop, stomach crying as they said goodbye to any chance of food for the next hour.

John suddenly thought of something, and leaned over to whisper conspiratorially in Dave's ear. "Oh yeah, before we get there, are Karkat and Terezi still dating or not? I can never keep track of those two."

"Oh yeah baby," Dave purred, "I love it when you get all close like that."

"Answer the question Mr Cool Guy!" People were giving them funny looks now, did Dave take nothing seriously?

"This is why you need to get with the times man." The blond whipped out his iPhone from his skinny jeans, as if to back up the point. "You need a facebook, or at least a twitter account."

"I am plenty with the times! I have a skype I use all the time when I'm home," John pointed out proudly. Dave raised one eyebrow at him.

"How many people do you have added? If it's actually in double digits I'll pay your rent for the month."

"..." John fidgeted and looked down, defeated. "I prefer quality over quantity?"

"Nice try, dork," Dave laughed as he answered. They waited in a comfortable silence for a moment as they waited for their bus, Dave messaging various people on his phone (it turned out Karkat and Terezi _were_ dating, as of last Tuesday). John cleaned his glasses on the underside of his t-shirt, marveling at the sudden clarity when he put them back on. Toronto was a winter wonderland, everything all bright and clean. The sky was threatening to snow later tonight... He wondered if that would make it hard for anyone to get around.

"Hey Dave?"

"Yeah?" He didn't look up from his phone when he replied.

"Have you seen a girl with a metal arm on red roller blades going around lately?"

"Pfft, get real. Who roller blades any more?"

"... yeah, haha, never mind."

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the week without updates, holidays are not conductive to writing time. Feedback and reviews would be super appreciated as always n_n Especially with Dave and Rose's text convo at the start there, I've never done stuff like that before. I know some people don't like chat logs in their stories, but this is a Homestuck fic, so I imagine you're all used to seeing conversations like that? Lemme know if that should be a thing I do occasionally or not, peace out y'all.


	6. What's in a Name?

"It's so cold," John pulled the zipper of his jacket up as he spoke, to little effect. "Why did I let you talk me into coming out again?"

"Free food and booze, your friends, having a social life?" ventured Dave. "These things ringing any bells?"

"I don't even drink, remember?" protested the younger boy. He just wanted to curl up at home and eat mac'n'cheese all night with a movie marathon or something.

"C'mon guy, it won't be that bad. Terezi's parties are always interesting, you gotta give them that." That was what he was afraid of- John remembered some of the girl's parties vividly.

* * *

Chapter 6- What's in a Name?

* * *

John eyed his surroundings as they entered. Colourful balloons and streamers had been thrown around the house, clashing as violently as possible with the furniture. The actual house was on the large end with two stories and a huge living room- Terezi shared the rent with two of her friends. Then again, maybe all houses just seemed big after long enough sharing a one-room apartment with another dude. This shindig must have started early- the sun had only set an hour ago, but it was already full of people dancing to overly loud music. He didn't think he even knew this many people.

"You guys made it!" A petite girl with short dark hair and red shades- Terezi Pyrope- greeted them, a Karkat on her shoulder. Status: one looked as pleased as punch, the other like he wanted to punch something.

Dave had trouble hiding the laughter in his voice. "Oh my god, I almost forgot about that shirt." Sure enough, Terezi was wearing a purple and green tie-dye shirt with a massive dragon on the chest. Looking too closely at it was like looking at the sun, but somehow even more dangerous to ones retinas.

"Are you jealous of my sense of style, Dave?" she asked, grinning widely.

"Hell yeah you know I am. Every morning my waking thought is 'why don't I have a Spongebob Squarepants backpack like Terezi?' Or 'where can I go to find tights from the 70's like Terezi?' I'm all kinds of torn up about that in this bitch."

John watched with amusement as Terezi took the compliments, thanking him and giggling.

"Fuck, get a room you two," growled Karkat, who slammed his face into his hands. He looked like he was having as good a time as he ever did at parties.

"Oh hush, you're just jealous that Mr Cherry Red here is cool enough to get my fashion tastes." The girl leaned forward and sniffed Dave as she spoke, who was in a red dress shirt.

"And stop doing that! Everyone knows you're only 80 to 90 percent blind."

Terezi pouted, leaning over and sniffing her boyfriend before continuing. "You're such a spoilsport, Mr Charcoal." Karkat, clad in a grey hoodie, sighed.

"You can't smell colours! Everyone who knows you knows that already, what's the point of keeping the joke going?" A wave of deja vu washed over John- Terezi did this joke pretty much every time he saw her, and Karkat always fell for the bait. The four of them had been in the same year in high school, so they'd seen a lot of each other.

For as long as he'd known her, the girl known as Terezi had taken a strange amount of pride in being nearly blind. She dressed as terribly as she could on purpose, using the 'I'm practically blind' excuse whenever anyone called her out on it. She also pretended she had to smell people to know what they looked like, which straddled the uncomfortable line between funny and just plain creepy. Granted, she did have to be rather close to someone to be able to see them properly, since she had ten percent vision, so he couldn't tell if she was making light of a serious situation or just liked to freak people out. Just as John thought that the girl leaned uncomfortably close to give him a whiff, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Welcome to the party Mr Blue! Try not to loser up the place too much, okay?"

"I'm sure it can manage to do that on its own, thanks!" John gave her the thumbs up as he said it so she knew he wasn't being too harsh, then wondered if she'd caught that. Hm. Luckily he didn't have time to see her reaction, as he was suddenly very busy being pulled away from the doorway by the back of his jacket.

"Seven_teen_?" That voice! Oh hell.

"I'll catch up with you guys later then!" John called back as he was dragged into the kitchen by his jackets hood. He had time to see Dave snort and Karkat roll his eyes before they were swallowed up by the crowd.

"You're choking me, Jade!" he mentioned.

"Well maybe you deserve it!" Despite her words, she let go of him. Rubbing the back of his neck, John turned to see his sister leaning against the fridge, arms crossed. Behind the large round glasses, framed by her long hair, her expression was not pleased.

"It's nice to see you again too," he muttered.

"John! I mean this in the nicest possible way, because I have your best interests at heart, but you can be such a gosh-darned idiot! You know that?"

"I've been told in the past," he said evasively. The girl in front of him was slightly shorter than him, yet he felt like he was looking up at someone really intimidating.

"Just- argh! Why would you a date a seventeen year-old high schooler? Why?"

"What do you mean why? Same reason anyone dates anyone- I _like_ Kanaya."

"She's younger than me, and by a fair lot!" At 21, Jade was only two years younger than him! The blue-eyed boy sighed and looked away from his sister. He knew the age gap between them was a bit much, but still, it'd be nice if people left him alone about it for ten minutes. "John?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you have to say? I'm kinda expecting a big denial speech right around now, like how she seduced you or how age isn't important."

"Why do I need to say anything?" He threw his hands in the air in frustration. "I don't need everyone jumping in with their two cents, I can date whoever I want can't I? It's no one else's business but ours!" He glanced behind him to see random people giggling and leaving the kitchen. He might have spoken louder than he'd realised just then, whoops.

"Oh John." He turned back to find Jade hugging him, sympathy mixed with pity in her eyes. "I'm sorry, it's just... I worry about you, y'know?" Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around with little sisters and big brothers? "If this is you legitimately moving on that's great, all the best for you two. But if this is you being dumb and crazy you should tell me, and sooner rather than later. You don't have the best track record with this stuff."

"Hey, hey, it's fine!" John wasn't sure why, but he felt like he should be the one comforting Jade now. She was still hugging him, her voice muffled by his jacket. "I'll be fine. You know me, I'm invincible. And I'm totally moved on and sane right now."

"Really?" She looked up at him, her voice skeptical.

"Really!" He decided not to mention the bit where he'd stayed up all night until after the sun had risen, thinking about the girl in his dream who he might or might not be hallucinating about. "Hey sis, on an unrelated subject, can hallucinations touch you?"

"What? Have you been seeing things now?" Her voice managed to convey the full range of sibling concern mixed with 'oh god this is the last thing I need'.

"No, no! Nothing like that. I'm just curious, can some people feel their hallucinations? Like, if one was to slap you right in the face, would you be able to feel it later when your jaw made funny clicky noises every time you ate that day?" She stared at him like he'd gone mad. "Or, uh, maybe I just had a really vivid dream after eating too much cheese in the middle of the night."

"Let's go with that one, shall we." Jade crossed her arms. "I'm going to go enjoy the party now and pretend you're not a danger to the normal citizens of Toronto, okay? Try not to get into a fight or anything."

"You're one to talk about normal. I know what you are! And what you do with your friends in anime club" he cried accusingly.

"Wha-what do you mean?" Jade looked around in case anyone was within earshot, sudden panic in her eyes. John leaned in close, and whispered one word in her ear.

"_Cosplayer_." Jade snorted, relieved.

"Oh, that, yeah that's nothing. I don't try to hide my cosplays- I put a lot of effort into them silly." Oh. He'd thought he had something on her there. "You're gonna have to dig a lot deeper than that if you want to get dirt on me!" she said with a gleam in her eye. …Something told the boy he didn't want to know what she did with her anime friends that was worse than cosplay. Maybe she wrote fanfiction or something similarly losery.

John spent the next twenty minutes in front of the snack table, enjoying delights from both the cupcake family and the fruit kingdom. Sadly they only had coke zero, which was the poor mans TAB. Still, anything was better than drinking Faygo. There was an entire mini fridge filled with the swill at Karkat's place- he never understood why they kept buying it. Speaking of the grouchy runt, he managed to run into Karkat at the table after his pee break, who in his own words 'was mercifully alone and finally free from door-greeting duties'. Yelling to be heard over the music, John asked him what they should play at that battle of the bands next week.

"Fuck if I know!" he yelled back, straining to be heard over Will. 's latest assault on all genres of good taste and musickind in general (also Karkat's words). "We still need to pick a band name before we play in front of anyone. Any ideas on that front, or is it all on my shoulders like usual?"

"Hmm..." John finished his latest mouthful of cake, giving him time to quickly think of band names. He'd forgotten all about that honestly. "How about 'Real Gods Don't Wear Pajamas?'"

For the second time that night someone stared at him like he was mad. "I haven't got all night to explain how badly that name sucks, on every level imaginable, so let's just call it a no. No we will not be naming our band 'Real Gods Don't Wear Pajamas.' Where'd you even hear that?"

"Beats me," John shrugged as he picked up another slice of cake, "what did you have in mind then?"

"We need something that won't alienate the masses, not too weird, but also different enough to stand out from the pack." Karkat waved his hands around as he spoke, trying to convey his thoughts. "Ideally I want something with maximum contrast, like a normal-sounding name with a weird word thrown in at the end. Like 'Sex Tumor', or 'Fruity Asshole Factory'. Obviously not those names- they're terrible, but they have that whole contrast thing. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I think I get it," John lied. "Also you've gotta try these chips, I have no idea what flavour they are but they're amazing."

"It's just barbecue John, god." Karkat ate a bunch anyway as he gazed out at the party. They were over by the stairwell, where it was comparatively quiet. At the other end of the food table was the living room, where John spied Rose on one of the couches talking to someone tall. He also spotted Dave, who was too cool to wave back.

"Hey, where's Terezi?" Normally she was easy to spot in a crowd, considering how loud she was, or how she waved her cane around like it was a weapon.

"What am I, her keeper?" Karkat rolled his eyes. Well, no, but he'd been with her just ten minutes ago.

"...Is everything good between you two?"

"Time and a place Egbert," was all he would say, before chugging back a can of TAB. John had expected him to swear and yell back, with his usual colourful vocabulary and long-winded rants. Seeing a calm Karkat was somehow worse. He got his answer though, when she came waltzing in from the backyard just after, in a lively debate with a taller girl.

"Karkat!" John made a noise halfway between an exclamation point and a whimper. "That's the girl!"

"Who?"

"The girl girl!" Currently leaning over Terezi's shoulder, and whispering into her ear, and now laughing with a smirk on her face, was the girl from the library. He wasn't crazy after all! Or maybe he really was, and he was simply hallucinating a second time! Either way, at least he got to see her again. "Um, Karkat, can you see that girl next to Terezi? The one with the metal prosthetic arm and the wavy black hair?"

"Hm?" His friend followed his gaze, spotting them. "Yeah, that's her friend, the one she threw this party for."

"Really? Who is she?"

"Some chick from America, I think they play shitty MMO's together." Another swig of TAB as he stifled a yawn, disinterested.

"Is that all you know?" John seized the front of Karkat's hoodie dramatically as he squeezed his only available information source dry.

"She just moved here last week, she works delivering crap for some company." He raised an eyebrow as suspicion flickered in his eyes. "Why not just ask her yourself? And what's with all the questions, you sick of your high school girlfriend already?"

"What, no!" John let go of him, turning back to watch the two girls argue over something. "I just had a really weird dream, and she was in it. And now she's all over the place. I think I've stumbled on to some kind of paranormal mystery here."

"Uh huh, sure. Let me know how well that works as a pick up line for ya."

"Karkat! I'm being serious here, something weird's going on."

"Yeah, your hormones," snorted Karkat. "John, if I was allowed back on Tvtropes I'd put you on it as a real-life example in the 'maniac pixie dream girl' page."

"I don't know what that is, but I think it's probably a good thing you were banned Karkat."

"Fuck you and fuck that site, no one on it would recognize a good movie if it kicked them so hard it got its foot stuck up their rectal pipes."

"They banned you because you kept arguing about romcoms all day, didn't they."

"Shut up." He grabbed another drink, a beer this time, while John turned back towards the two girls. At this point there was a crowd around them for some reason, so she was out of sight. Darn. First he dreamt about this girl, then he ran into her twice within two days? And the way he couldn't stop thinking about her, that wasn't normal. No way was that just a coincidence. Whether he was attracted to her or not was irrelevant (although yes she was attractive), what mattered was how this was all happening. Maybe she was a ghost, or maybe she used his dreams to travel here into the real world! Yeah, it was exactly like one of his movies. A paranormal mystery movie, nothing like one of Karkat's romance flicks in the slightest.

"Vriska," Karkat suddenly muttered.

"Huh?" John turned to see his friend on his phone, double checking Terezi's wall on some blogging site for him.

"Her name, dumbass. Your crush with the freaky left arm is Vriska Serket, from New York City apparently. Weird name."

"Vriska Serket," he tried it out. Their band might not have a name yet, but his mystery girl did. Now all he had to do was talk to her and get to the bottom of this mystery.


	7. D8

Chapter 7- D8

* * *

Terezi and Vriska. The two girls staring each other down in the living room couldn't be more mismatched, at first glance. Terezi was short, as was her hair; Vriska was tall and her dark hair cascaded down most of her back. Terezi was petite and her baggy clothes usually hid her form; Vriska's clothes accentuated her curves. The native to Toronto was dressed as garishly as she could, in a long tie-die shirt and funky leggings. Meanwhile the newcomer from New York looked like she'd spent much longer finding her clothes, and actually on purpose, in a dark skirt over her boots and a sweeping old military-style jacket.

Yet as different as they were on the outside, John could already see a lot of similarities with the two girls, on the inside. Well obviously they would look the same on the inside. Most organs and blood looked the same as someone else's, unless they were aliens or something crazy. Not that he was ruling that out for the imposing Ms Serket, but he'd gone to school with Terezi and had been convinced of her totally real humanity attribute for some time now.

No, rather, what he'd been trying to say before his inner monologue got all confused and tangential was how similar the girls were, personality-wise. Both played MMO's online, he'd heard as much from Karkat just moments ago. That was something to consider later. Both were also obviously disabled in some way- Terezi through being legally blind, and Vriska through her prosthetic arm. That part wasn't important to him, but what he found interesting was how both girls seemed to flaunt their disabilities so proudly. Terezi took a frankly ridiculous amount of joy in pretending she had to smell people to see, and dressed so ironically awful it had won her Dave's friendship for life. While in the other corner Vriska had a shiny steel prosthetic arm, when most people chose to get skin-coloured ones or cover them with their clothes. Fingers steepled under his chin in thought, John wondered at the implications of that.

"How long are you gonna stare at those two?"

John dismissed his companion. He was conducting important research here! The mystery presented by Vriska Serket was not one to be taken lightly. Between his dream and suddenly seeing her everywhere, he could have dismissed that as coincidence, or a run-of-the-mill stalking. But the way he'd thought of her constantly ever since that dream, popping up in his thoughts... it was as if she had psychic powers, or was attempting to mind-control him. No, put it all together and John just knew something fishy was going on. His keen detectives instincts were in overdrive here. So overdrive, he'd, uh, need to get a better car? Damn, he had something for this.

Admittedly, Dave and Karkat were a lot better with the funny metaphors. That and he didn't even drive, John really should have picked an easier metaphor to work with.

"Not that I mind you being weird, knock yourself out. I get _such_ a kick out of being ignored by the only person at the party who's even more of a screwed-up loser than I am." Karkat waved his hand in front of John's face, managing to produce a grunting noise. Just perfect. Karkat contemplated the bottle of beer in his hand, his sole friend for the night. Before he could drain it, along with his sorrows, however, the boy found himself suddenly being dragged into the spotlight. "Rude!"

"You're one to talk about being rude," smirked Terezi, his kidnapper. She had a point there. The proverbial blind pot had just called the kettle black so hard it was mildly racist, and now the whole room was uncomfortable and trying not to look him in the eye. Metaphorically, that is. In actuality hardly anyone was looking at him, though there was quite a crowd of party-goers focusing on the two girls.

"Why are you dragging me out of my comfort zone?" Karkat sighed, as he joined the two in the middle of the living room.

"Oh hush, your comfort zone is broken every time you step outside or have to see people," pointed out Terezi.

"Exactly!"

She ignored him, turning back to her friend. "His name is Karkat and he's adorable, _see_?" Wait, what exactly was going on here?

"I dunno, he's pretty short and grouchy. What, do you keep him around to feel better about yourself?" Vriska tilted her head on her side as she inspected him, like some kind of puppy.

"It doesn't matter what you think of him!" They did know he could hear them, right? "The point is I do have a boyfriend and you don't, yes?"

"Uuuugh, fine, one point for you," sighed the taller girl, who promptly turned to the TV, which was switched off, and grabbed a shot from one of the many balancing atop its width. That was such a stupid place to balance shots, oh my god. She downed it like a champ, despite the familiar smell of straight vodka. Karkat tried not to be slightly impressed, and failed miserably. "Okay, my turn," declared Vriska with a flick of her hair as she discarded the plastic shot glass on the floor behind her. "I went to Europe last year and saw Rome and Paris. Have you been anywhere that cool since we last caught up?"

Though her eyes were hidden behind red glasses, Karkat saw Terezi's thin eyebrows frown with displeasure. "No, I haven't travelled at all. Hell."

"Haha! Another point for Team Serket, yesssss." Vriska pumped her fist in the air as her friend/opponent downed a shot of her own, Terezi grimacing with the taste but not flinching from it.

"Wait, hold on," Karkat held up his hands as he took in the absurdity of the situation. "Are you two catching up and swapping dot points about your lives over _shots_? Is that how you're doing this?"

"Pretty much."

"How else would you do it?"

He considered for a moment.

"No, I approve. I guess." He picked up a bright green shot glass of his own, balanced precariously on the plasma, and handed it to Vriska. "Here's your next one, you'll be needing it for my facts about this wench."

"Are you joining my team, Karkles?"

"Don't call me that in public," he groaned, raping his knuckles on her head. Terezi grinned, leaning in close and whispering even worse nicknames in his ear.

"Would you rather I called you _that_ in front of everyone?"

"Wow, you guys are so mad adorbs I think I just got type two diabetes," Vriska interrupted, her voice dripping with sarcasm so thick it was staining the carpet worse than the vodka. "Are we playing this thing or what?"

"Fine, geez." Karkat pulled away from his clingy partner, summoning his best battle pose. "Terezi has a gay fucking BFF who's a famous webcomic guy, and has a coffee named after her in a store down town. Can you beat either of those?" Terezi's shit-eating grin widened even more at his words.

"Hmm." Vriska stroked her chin. "I had a tea named after me in a cafe in New York," countered their foe, "but no gay BFF, you've got me there," she admitted. The couple hi-fived as she downed another shot. No way was this yankee's life more interesting than his girl's, if there was one thing Terezi Pyrope had going for her it was strange facts. "Don't get so cocky, now I get two chances! And you're drinking every time she loses as well, runt."

Karkat wouldn't admit it in the morning- especially over the hangover- but getting to know people through bragging was actually really fun. Just this once.

* * *

"What can you tell me about Vriska Serket?" John held up his phone, which held a blurry picture of the girl he'd taken just moments ago.

"She's pretty intense dude."

"You there! Serket information, go!"

"I hear she got kicked out of the states for being too hardcore."

"You there, smuggling the doritos. Do you know anything about the guest of honour?"

"Uh... she wears glasses, right?"

John sighed in exasperation, pushing gingerly between two girls playing tonsil hockey as he headed through the hallway. The party goers here were all unhelpful. Between the music, the drinks and the snacks, and everyone's rampant hormones, everyone was too distracted to give him a single lead since Karkat was snatched away. He'd tried asking his sister, only to get scolded for asking about 'another woman'. Rose, normally a fountain of knowledge, was busy letting her hair down and was currently half-concious spread out along a couch in a drunken stupor. The blonde's words of advice still rang clearly in his ears: "beware the spider lady! She's gonna get you Jawn, Jonny my boy, and she's gonna get you good. Already got her webs all over ya, ya big dork. Hic." Then Dave had carried her away to one of the bedrooms for some much needed rest, face stony as she made aeroplane noises and flailed.

All in all it had been a fairly unproductive night. Ah well, if being an investigator of the paranormal was easy everyone would do it. John kept an eye out as he trudged past the bedrooms on the second floor, where it was mercifully quiet enough to hear himself think. He checked each one as he went past, hoping to find someone who could tell him more about that mysterious lady. For a party to celebrate her arrival to snowy Toronto, surprisingly few people knew anything about her. He found an empty bedroom at the end of the hall, passing through to reach one of the balconies that came off every bedroom on the second story. Say what you would about Terezi's roommates, but together they had a really nice place. The rent must be ridiculous.

John felt the chill the moment he stepped outside. After the noise and constant body warmth of the party interior, it was actually kinda refreshing to be out in the wind like this. He leaned out on the railing, the buildings and streets of the city reflected in his glasses. He felt pretty bad-ass out here, gazing over the view and the night lights like the lone hero in an action movie. He was the ever vigilante eye over Toronto, fighter of evil and protector of justice! He was the guardian of the inner secrets of the city, he was-

"Hey," said a voice to his side.

-he was not alone on this balcony and should probably stop posing! John glanced across to the adjacent porch only to see the very same girl he'd been hunting all night, casually leaning on her railing. She had a glass in one hand and her fancy jacket was now missing, revealing a clingy white tank-top she had on underneath. "Irons in the fire are totally worth more than some stupid law degree, right?"

"Um, I'm not sure what you just said," admitted John. Vriska rolled her eyes, turning to face him directly.

"Which is more impressive? Going to a stupid law school and getting a stuffy degree, or having irons in ALL of the fires?"

"You... iron your clothes well?" John was completely lost.

"Argh, why are you all so clueless? Having irons in the fire is like, like, having a finger in every pie, or a foot in every door. Get it?"

"Must be an American saying," John shrugged. The boy knew he should have been asking her questions right about now, but he was finding it difficult to completely concentrate on the current conversation. It wasn't going at all how he'd expected their first encounter would. The wind was playing with her thick shock of hair, the tips curling up and dancing with every breeze in a very distracting manner.

"I still should have won that point," muttered the girl. "Dumb game. Anyway, what's Terezi doing in law school these days? She's clever enough sure, but she used to be so underhanded, that's one of the things I respected about her." Even from the adjacent balcony John could tell she was a little buzzed at this point; Vriska's cheeks were flushed, though her speech was perfectly clear. She sounded bored, almost apathetic.

"Lawyers have to be pretty sneaky and under handed, right? Maybe it's a good fit then?" he offered. She grinned a little at that. "Anyway, aren't you cold out here? It's freezing, and you're just in that thin shirt." He threw his jacket over to her balcony without waiting for a response.

"Nah, scotch warms you up better than any layers. Besides, this top makes my rack look great, right?" She threw the coat back to him with one hand.

"Uh, I wouldn't know about that."

"Pfft, dork. It's okay to agree with me, I'm not gonna get offended. I know I look great." Vriska flicked her hair off her shoulder as the wind picked up, probably fully aware of how sensual the move looked. Even when complimenting herself her voice remained casual and detached, as if discussing facts about the weather- compared to her earlier game downstairs, she didn't feel like she was trying to impress anyone now, John thought.

"Hehe, alright then. I'm John by the way, John Egbert." He automatically reached out as if to shake her hand, then stopped himself when he realised the gap between the balconies made that impossible. He settled for throwing his blue jacket back over the railings at her again.

"Vriska." She tossed it right back, a flicker of annoyance on her features. "It stops being chivalry if you're just throwing things at my head."

"I knew your name. I mean, the party was thrown for you, so I heard it earlier." Why was he stumbling on his words? "And who says this is chivalry? You're dealing with a master prankster here." He curled his jacket up into a ball and lobbed it at her head. She ducked, an evil glint in her eye. They continued to throw it back and forth as they talked between their twin islands of light in the night sky.

"A master prankster just throws things at people? What are you, thirteen?"

"You're throwing it back just as much, how is that more mature?" he pointed out.

"I just hate to lose, you're the enabler here," she insisted. "Dork." He opened his mouth, unsure what to say next. _Did you know you were in my dreams before I met you? Pretty weird, right? Wow, you're holding your liquor a lot better than my friend Rose! My jaw still aches a little from the library, haha._ She didn't remember that was him though. Best to leave it that way. What he said instead surprised them both.

"Did you want to hang out tomorrow?" The silence that followed his words was only a few seconds long, yet was a full eight months pregnant with tension.

"Oh? What did you have in mind?" She raised one dark eyebrow, studying the boy through her glasses.

"Well, I just thought you're new here, right? I could show you around. I mean, there's reasons for us to hang out. Reasons."

"I dunno, I finish work at five."

"We could hang out at night, that's cool too."

"If I say yes will you keep your frickin' coat to yourself?"

"It's a deal!" John caught his jacket with his face as she pelted it at him. That robo-arm had some force to it.

"It's a date!"

John froze for a moment, unsure what to say back. Had she meant that as a joke, or had she been winking flirtatiously as she said it? He pulled the coat-turned-projectile-weapon off his head only to see the balcony next to him was empty. Vriska must have slipped back inside...?

"No, but I have a girlfri-" the words died on his lips, no one around to hear them anyway. He wasn't sure what to make of what she'd said. But he wouldn't be able to meet up with her anyway- they hadn't decided on a place, or a way to contact each other, so it was all rather moot. Yeah.

The dark-haired boy slipped on his jacket, ironically the one freezing since he'd taken it off to warm her up. As he shoved his numb hands in the pockets he felt something crinkle. With confusion John held up a slip of paper he'd never seen before up to the light. It was a phone number, underlined with a long winky face. When had she slipped that in there? No way. He felt a small tinge of excitement; it was always kinda cool getting a girls number.

Not that it was going to be a date.

It absolutely wasn't, John Egbert told himself as he gazed out at the night sky, cheeks flushed with excitement.


	8. Ah yes, the Scalene Love Triangle

"So where'd you disappear to last night? Don't tell me you tried some light beer or something and passed out at nine."

"What, no! I'd never drink. And if I did I wouldn't be such a lightweight, either."

"Pfft, sure. The question still stands, Egbert."

"I ended up getting sleepy, went outside for some air. And then I, uh, saw a shooting star."

"Huh. Is that seriously it." Dave pulled up the zipper of his hoodie, bracing him against the cold as they walked. The two walked in silence for a moment, enjoying the brisk winter afternoon. The sun continued to play hide and seek with the clouds above them, as if it couldn't make up its mind whether to be clear or cloudy today.

"People always told me, be careful what you do," Dave muttered, "and don't go around breaking young girl's hearts."

"What is that, Michael Jackson lyrics?" John frowned as he turned to the boy.

"And mother always told me be careful of who you love," he crooned, hands together in a lovey-dovey gesture.

"Cut it out!" John hit him on the arm, laughing despite himself.

"And be careful what you do, 'cause the lie becomes the truth."

"Why are you singing that?" The pair walked in silence for a moment, past the shops and streets.

"... no reason."

"Jerk."

* * *

Chapter 8- Ah yes, the scalene love triangle

* * *

A bell rang in the distance, signalling the end of another day at school. Kanaya gathered her things and practically skipped as she left her class. For today she was getting picked up from school. And not just by anyone, but her _boyfriend_. She'd never truly expected that to happen- dating was something other girls did, in another world, not meant for the likes of her. She waved as she passed her best friend, Aradia, who was heading into the library like usual. Kanaya asked her if she wanted to meet her older boyfriend, but predictably the goth had a new book about the apocalypse she'd rather read. It didn't matter; sooner or later they would meet. And if she was being honest, Kanaya was glad she was meeting John on her own. Her friends, as few as they were, would probably tease and embarrass her. He must already think her such a child, she reflected as she glanced down at her school uniform. It was a screaming visual reminder of their age gap. The last thing she needed was more ways to sabotage what he thought of her. Oh god, was that a loose thread on her skirt? All thoughts of John were forgotten as she dug into her bag and found scissors, remedying the problem. She was slightly late now, sure, but it was worth it to look her best.

She exited the front gate, slightly lost among the crowd of people. Ah- there! John was sitting on the low brick wall that circled the school, feet dangling in the air. Under his dark hair his grin was open, his buck teeth showing. That shouldn't have been adorable, Kanaya knew, but still it quickened the pace of her heart just looking at him.

"I'm sorry, have you been waiting long?"

"Nope, just got here!" John said brightly, jumping down and hugging her as they greeted. Everything went fuzzy for a moment.

"Funny, she doesn't _look_ like member of the sailor scouts. I was led here under false pretences." Kanaya separated from his warm embrace, to see a boy with untidy hair and ridiculously large shades loitering behind them.

"Ignore him," John said, rolling his eyes. "Kanaya, this is Dave, my gay roommate. Did I mention he's gay?"

"Did you want to know which of the guys here are gay?" she offered as politely as possible.

"I'll get a raincheck on that, I think I have a date lined up in a few days. Though thanks, always good to have an in with some boy-toys who come with their own catholic uniforms." She couldn't tell if he was genuinely thanking her or making a joke. But then, she was beginning to get used to that, it seemed everyone John knew spoke differently with extreme senses of humour. They began walking together across the road, towards the nearest mall.

"Really? Who now?" John seemed curious. "I can never keep up with the endless army of dicks you bring into the apartment."

"Don't worry, with training hopefully you can one day," promised the taller boy. "Well I don't actually have a date, but your sis is dating a new guy, and they usually turn out to prefer me so I figure it's a sure thing." John laughed, though Kanaya covered her mouth with her hands.

"Are you talking about cheating on John's sister?"

"What?" Dave seemed mildly surprised. "Nah man, but I can't help it if they all turn out to be gay. Let's face it, the Strider appeal is hard to beat. Plus apparently he looks like Egbert here," he jerked his thumb at their mutual friend, "which is a pretty sweet bonus."

"My sister's dating someone who looks like me? I'm not sure how I feel about that." John folded his arms, lost in thought with a frown on his face. The trio ended up going into the first sushi place they passed, since John hadn't eaten lunch yet. As he split his chopsticks her favourite blue-eyed dork remembered something.

"Oh yeah, we have our battle of the bands on Wednesday, you guys should both come!"

"Do you guys still suck?"

"Karkat might, but I am in peak playing condition thank you!" Kanaya wondered how they could be so casual about this. They were playing in front of people, in a real club! She was dating a rock star. The thought made the butterflies in her stomach start dancing an elaborate waltz.

"I'll have to pull some strings with my parents, but I'll definitely try to be there," she promised. "I look forward to seeing the others again, as well!" Well, maybe not Karkat. He was rather scary. But Rose seemed nice.

"Nice! And Mr Cool Kid?"

"Rose already suckered me into going earlier, don't worry." Dave sipped his iced tea, nonchalant and relaxed as always. Kanaya was starting to wonder if he ever showed emotion on the surface- it was slightly intimidating. "Well, she said she'd rather I didn't go, which is more or less the same thing. Can't pass up a chance to bug my sis with support, she'll take it as a passive-aggressive thing and hate it."

"Wait," she paused with her sushi on the way to her mouth, confused. "I thought your last name was Strider, yes? And Rose's last name is Lalonde, correct?"

"Yeah, it's a thrilling tale of long-lost siblings and shitty parenting. Ask Rose about it sometime." And that was all he would say on the matter. Dave left them after they were full, since he'd outlived his usefulness the moment he paid for John's meal. They passed the time in random stores, looking at old CD's (John knew about so many cool bands she'd never even heard of) and checking out the thrift shops 'ironically' (whatever that meant). Then they stopped by a sewing store, since Kanaya was out of thread for her current project.

She looked over the display, trying to tell the difference between two grey threads, and eyed the messy-haired boy in secret. He looked rather out of place, lying on a bench with obvious boredom on his features. That made her smile. Not his boredom, precisely, but the fact he'd suffer going into a store like this for her. They'd only been dating for three weeks, but it felt like so much longer to her. And now he'd even told his friends about them, and they all seemed so mature and worldly. And they seemed to like her back! The thought made the girl want to squeeze the fabric she was holding and jump up and down and squeal with delight. But of course, she did no such thing. That wouldn't be proper. She'd save her feelings for when she reread Twilight with her plush toys later that night (she knew they were awful literature, but she just couldn't help herself).

Kanaya toyed with her dark hair, wondering if John was all right. Was it her or was he rather distant today? He hadn't eaten as much as usual, and kept checking the time whenever they passed a clock. She was probably over analysing things again though, there was nothing to be worried about. Kanaya just lived in her own head too much, as Aradia often said. Like _she_ would know. Aradia's hobbies included going on 'archaeological digs' outside of town and taking vows of silence for weeks at a time in support of one thing or another.

"I'm done," she informed John, skipping as they left the store with her thread safely tucked away in her backpack.

"That's good! Any idea what time it is?" It was just after five, as she told him. "Woah, already?" John looked slightly panicked. "I should probably get going, cripes."

"Are you doing something tonight?"

"No! Well, I'm meeting a friend. So yeah, I kinda need to get going soon." Kanaya found she had to power walk to keep up as they headed towards the bus stop She lowered her head, watching their legs walk back and forth for a moment. Hers bare, swishing under her skirt, his strides taller, hidden behind jeans. It occurred to her she'd never even seen his legs, let alone something reckless like seeing John shirtless. That thought made her cheeks redden.

"Um, John," she began, fighting the urge to fidget.

"Yeah?" He looked over his shoulder at her, eyes wide and innocent behind his glasses.

"You don't have to walk me to my bus stop. If you're in a hurry."

"Oh, you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's not that far."

"Thanks, you're a life saver!" John stopped and turned, hugging her goodbye. "I'll see you on Wednesday then, right?"

"Yes, I'll let you know if I can go."

"Right on, see ya!" John kissed her lightly on the lips before they let go of their embrace, and walked away grinning. Kanaya Maryam stood on the street corner, still rooted to the spot when the streetlight above her flickered into life. Her... first kiss. It had been such a quick and casual act- she hadn't been expecting it at all. But did it count if it was just on the lips, or did it need to be with tongue or something? She hugged her bag around her tightly, unsure how to feel. She was slightly annoyed she hadn't had time to anticipate the moment, if truth be told. Then again, real life was like that, you didn't get several pages of exposition and two characters lips slowly closing in on one another. Things just happened. John was so casual about it as well! She wondered for a moment how many girls he'd kissed before. But then it hit her all over again that she'd just received her first kiss, and nothing else in the world mattered.

She was so silly for worrying about John. Kanaya knew then that they were meant to be, and nothing would stop their love. For that's what it was, she realized as goosebumps raced across her arms. She was descending into the amorous emotion known as love with John Egbert. In love!

And nothing could possibly ruin that, the girl with the emerald eyes thought, unknowingly as at that exact moment John hurried to meet with another woman.

* * *

A/N: If I had any planning, I'd have made this chapter Vriska-centric, being the 8th chapter and all. If we ever get close to 88 someone remind me to get on that. Oh well, she'll get plenty of focus in the next chapter, and then we're on to the battle of the bands~ Massive thanks to everyone who reviews or favourites, you guys are what keep me motivated to write n_n


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